If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
