quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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