He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize