Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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