i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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