Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
