Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
She told me I should be a condom model.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize