ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
