so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Randomize
