Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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