Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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