awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
How's work?
Spinning.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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