I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
