you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
There's a naked man in my car right now.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
