Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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