forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
