i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
