Nicole vs. Life
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
