i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
