textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
