I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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