I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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