I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
