About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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