omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
