You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
