He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
