Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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