so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
