I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
