I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
