I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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