Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
