All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
