i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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