Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
