I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
