I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
