There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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