DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
