Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
