you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Someone signed my nipple.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
