Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
