Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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