can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Randomize