I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Randomize
