Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
