My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
