If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
