Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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