The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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