At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
