1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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