My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
