The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
