I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize