Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
