I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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