the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
