My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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