soooo we both peed the bed last night...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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