Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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