Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Randomize
