I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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