she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
