and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
All I want is dick and wine.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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