My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
