He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
