She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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