I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
